A Paroxysm of Doom

It is another dull and gloomy rainy July day in Mumbai. You are sitting by the window as the rain is pelting down violently as ever. The falling drops seem to echo in your ears as you sip your hot adrak wali chai while taking a break from ‘work’. It is hard to imagine a time when it was sunny outside. It is hard to imagine a time when you were outside, quite frankly. Was it that time you went for a quick grocery run? No, it was when you went downstairs to get your Amazon delivery.

Your mind immediately drifts to the poor guy who had to trundle along on his Activa in the heavy downpour amidst the worst global pandemic in history all so you could have things delivered to your privileged ass sitting at home. You better not go down that rabbit hole right now though. It has been a tough time; privileged or not.

You stare lazily outside the window at the two pigeons taking cover under the window ledge of the opposite building. Even creatures that have the ultimate freedom of flight have been left cowering for cover. There was a time when you were free too. When you could dress up, meet your friends over a few drinks, and seek solace in the company of people; away from your thoughts and insecurities. “Fuck you, COVID”, you think to yourself.

Filled with an immense sense of defeat you turn your attention towards the presentation you’re supposed to present in a Zoom meeting the next day. You are horribly underprepared so, at least, that’s familiar territory. As much as you hated going to work and working long hours, you kind of miss it. The impromptu chai sutta sessions when things got a little too hectic, the bitching behind your boss’s back with your best mate at the office, the lunch break gossip sessions. You hate it but you miss it. Weird.

“How did I end up at this job though?”, you question yourself out of nowhere. Wasn’t life supposed to be headed somewhere? You did have big plans. You wanted to change the world; to make a difference. You wish you could live the life that the drunk version of yourself had planned out with your college friends at your regular watering hole. You glance at your phone. The college WhatsApp group is on fire right now. They are discussing the latest Shivaji Maharaj scandal that is all the fire on the Internet right now. You do not have the energy for this. Back to the presentation you’re making unsurprisingly slow progress on.

*ping*

It’s a text from the friend who has recently lost her job. You are now running out of nice things to say to her. It’s not easy to motivate someone all the time. Being positive is exhausting.

“Should I tell her I’m busy with work? Or would it seem like I’m bragging about being employed when she’s not?”

You ignore the text for now. This might require some tact. She will probably just assume you’re busy anyway.

You get distracted by your own thoughts yet again: what if your company decided to lay off some people? You have only joined very recently. Surely the new people will be the first to go? But then would that be such an awful thing to happen? I mean, you hate the job anyway. Is financial independence worth the pain? A small voice inside your head says yes but you suppress it. “Fuck it! Fire me, you pathetic losers. I don’t care”, you reassure yourself.

You look down. You’ve finished your tea. Another cup would fix things, you tell yourself for the 5th time that day. It’s still pelting down of course, it’s a dull and gloomy rainy July day in Mumbai. You notice a little, homeless kid happily dancing around in the rain as you wait for the water to boil. Remember when you were that happy little kid? Not a care in the world; just going about your own merry way. When was the last time you were truly happy? You’re drawing a blank. Perhaps you need a break. Maybe a short trip somewhere. Away from all this shit. Yes, running further away from your problems is definitely the solution.

You catch yourself staring into nothingness. The tea is ready so you plop down on the chair in front of the laptop. You gather your thoughts, crack your knuckles, stretch out your arms, and put your head down to start working on the damn presentation.

“Well, that was quick”, you find yourself thinking two hours later as you contemplate what all the fuss was about. You take a shower to freshen up, pour yourself a glass of whiskey, and put on Netflix on the TV. The rain continues to bucket down as if perpetual. A smile finds its way across your face as the whiskey kicks in. It’s a wonderful and serene rainy July evening in Mumbai. That’s what life is sometimes.

This is a significant departure from my usual writing style but I hope you liked it. As always, please do press that ‘clap’ button and share it with your friends and family.